7 Tips for Friends, Family, Teachers, Pastors & Neighbors of Couples Adopting Special Needs Children
The first year or two after the placement of a child with an attachment issue is very difficult on the child and the family. I equate it to a trauma treated in an emergency room. It is not pretty and there are some extreme measure that need to be taken to stabilize the patient. Having gone through this myself a couple of times, I wish I had had something I could have given to the people around me to help them know how they could help (actually not working against me would have been fine too). I wrote this list so that adoptive parent can have something to hand to their support network. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below.
1. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. You were a wonderful parent. However, adopting an older/special needs child is different. The child acts different around the adoptive parents than they do around anyone else. You probably think advice will help, but when you offer advice all the parent really hears is, “You aren’t very good at this.” If the parents feel their decisions are being scrutinized, it creates an added pressure. Instead of thinking about what would be best for the child in a given situation, they’ll be wondering how others are going to judge them. If you really want to help, see 6 & 7 below.
2. Remember, it really is NOT the same as raising your own children. The child/children being adopted are seriously wounded. The parents have no bond with the child on which to rely for motivation. In fact, experts agree that TRADITIONAL PARENTING TECHNIQUES DO NOT WORK with kids with attachment issues. I know all parenting is tough, but for a while it will be harder, more tiring, and more challenging than raising a child that has been with you since birth.
3. Please do NOT nurture, mentor, hug, kiss, or give sweets to the child. The kids have been looking to have this need fulfilled by every adult they have come into contact with since they began to be abused/neglected. Now they have parents, and to facilitate this bond, all of the aforementioned activities need to be done solely by the new parents until a secure bond has taken place.
4. Don’t be manipulated by the child. After the honeymoon period, children are likely to make up stories about their new parents. Don’t believe them. In fact, in many cases, you are best to believe that everything coming from the child mouth is a lie. In many cases the kids are still shopping for parents. As they get closer to their parents, they may try to sabotage the relationship.
5. Please DO encourage the parent(s) regularly. They will need it.
6. Please DO be creative with how to help. Hey, these parents are exhausted because of constant testing by the kids and trying to learn how this child is wired up. It is work that only they can do. But there are plenty of things you can do to free up time for them to focus on the kids. Clean their house, mow their lawn, drop off a frozen meal, offer to watch the kids for a couple hours so they can take a break, fix the car, go grocery shopping, etc.
7. Make it your goal to help the parents, not help the kids. These kids have had counselors, teachers, therapists, case managers, foster parents and more helping them through some pretty tough times. The one thing that has been missing is permanent people who have committed to them for the rest of their lives. The most important relationship now is the parent child relationship, and the kids need to begin to understand that this “Parent Person” is who takes care of me now. Remember, help the parents, so they can help the kids.”
Tags: adoptive family support, bonding, reactive attachment disorder, tips
Nov 02, 2009
Amen!!!!!!!!!! Said so very, very well.
Oct 13, 2010
I am so printing this and giving it to everyone I know. Our life has been made so much harder than it needs to be because “outsiders” (my friends) don’t know or understand this. I am not sure if the only reason I understand it is because I am going through it. Will they read it and see a blank page because they have not experienced it? I am printing it just in case it helps:) Yeah!
Oct 13, 2010
Here is my personal revised list. I am so glad you posted this.
Tips for friends, family, teachers, pastors & neighbors of Couples fostering difficult children
The first year of a child’s placement is very difficult on the child and the family. I equate it to being wounded and being in an emergency room. It is not pretty and there are some extreme measures that need to be taken to stabilize the patient. I know you are a kind generous person, and this is how you can help me with my wounded child by working with me, not against me.
1. Please do not offer advice. You were a wonderful parent. Our new child is a wonderful child, however, this child acts different around us when we are at home, than, they do when they are around you. You probably think advice will help me, but all I hear is, “You are not very good at this.” If, I feel my decisions are being scrutinized, this creates an added pressure. And so instead of thinking about what would be best for my child, I will be wondering how others are going to judge me.
2. The child being fostered is seriously wounded. New parents have no bond with this child on which to rely for motivation. In fact, experts agree that traditional parenting techniques do not work.
3. Please do not nurture, mentor, hug, kiss, or try to parent the child yourself. This child has been looking to fulfill this need, with every adult they have come into contact with since they were abused/neglected. Now, they have full time, committed, in-home parents. To facilitate this bond, all of the aforementioned activities need to be done solely by the new parents until a secure bond has taken place.
4. Don’t be manipulated by the child. After the honeymoon period, children are likely to make up stories about their new parents. Don’t believe them. In fact, it would be most helpful if you believe that everything coming from the mouth of the child is a lie. In many cases the child is still shopping for “better” parents (and they want their biological parents, ultimately). As this child gets closer to us, they try to sabotage the relationship.
5. Please be willing to help us and not the child. Hey, we are exhausted because of constant testing by this kid and we are still trying to learn how the child is wired. It is the work that we need to do. But there are plenty of things you can do to help out. Please lend an ear to the stories that I am too embarrassed to talk about, come over and play a game with our new family, so the new child can see us having fun for once in the midst of our turmoil, invite us over for dinner so we do not feel so isolated. (Expect outbreaks and stress under all these conditions and be willing to fade into the background)
7. Make it your goal to help the parents, not the kids. These kids have counselors, teachers, therapists, and case managers. The one thing that has been missing is permanent people who are committed to them for the rest of their lives.